I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
