i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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