I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
