Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
