got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
