the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
