I wish I could punch you in the face.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
