On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize