Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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