If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Less talking, more tequila
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
