Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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