I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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