I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Enjoy the penises
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
