i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
