he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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