Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
