im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
