you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Boobs are out for the taking
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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