Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
