my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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