the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
