dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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