You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize