Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
ok first of all what the fuck
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
