You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
