if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
