Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
