mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
