Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
