My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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