Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
