You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
