I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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