the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
