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Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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