dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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