i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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