wat bout pragnant strippers??
ugly people sure do ruin things
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i came on her dog
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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