I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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