Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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