Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
