allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You pole danced in your parka.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
