turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
