it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
