Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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