Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
