i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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