hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
