Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
