And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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