I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
