I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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