i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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