This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
