oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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