i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
