Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
