why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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