My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
