the condom got lost in my hair
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
