we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
