I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
