I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
