Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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