i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
