we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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