Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
