dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
