Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
