All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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