Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
