Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
